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General
I've found today, that my mind's negative nature is far more insidious than I gave it credit for. Well played kid me. Well played.
What it is, is that my mind constantly looks for something by default to distract me from reality. Since I started limiting my phone, my mental state is now trying...
You might be wondering why I describe my feelings of my ASD experience as "shameful", and it has most probably offended you (unintentionally, of course).
Being ashamed of having anything "wrong" with you shouldn't be misconstrued as trolling or hurting others. That is not my intention, which is...
I feel awful inside but numb outside. Its like the anxiety and nausea is inside an ice shell. I hope it will pass soon.
I said what i meant to my friend and it did not end well. I had to mask but i was too anxious and i let it slip.
I am beginning to think she will not call or message me...
This was oddly a late night thought process last night. Thinking about what it would be like to be a nudist. And if I'd possibly enjoy it. Though I was mildy tipsy and pretty tired from from 3 beers, so that may of influenced it a bit.
Though let's get the less safe for work thing out of the...
My issue with paying attention isn't that I don't. It's just that my focus is in the wrong place.
I am really seeing it now, that taking my mental state and what I focus on, in to account. I need to keep my mind active to avoid negatively spiraling. This is especially important when I am alone...
I was apathetic for a few days and a bit depressed. Listening to this song on a mix, i started crying Somehow.
Thinking of my own life, my father's and how hard it has been for both of us. Still, there are people who live with a greater loneliness and pain than us. We are one of the luckier...
There is something that I am now considering. That my misery cycle had a side component to it. Not that it is surprising. But I think I put myself in a infinite loop of autistic burnout because of stress and anxiety.
It would explain alot. My mental state being what it's been, fueled my...
Identity-first language says, “I am autistic.”
Person-first language says, “I am a person who has autism.”
I prefer identity-first language because it invites culture. Person-first language causes shame about one’s disability. Autism is not like an addiction to be shamefully recovered from. It...
I hurt so many people whom tried to help me or love me. I hated myself too much, i did not know i could accept it.
I am sorry for everyone who could love someone like me. You are all wonderful people and i hope you can forgive me and forget about me. I am so grateful to you and i wish for your...
What I mean is that I am not in the right mental state to face the world. I'm not entirely ready for situations that can happen in the world. This isn't self-deprecation. Just self-realization.
I am not pleased by this, but I need to also remember this till I am ready. Same with my foggy, lost...
Tonight I went to the ladies conference and there were traveling stage lights and a loud speaker system and a very large crowd and I just kind of froze. I went into a trance. People kept asking me if I was ok and it was so embarrassing. It felt like being on a rollercoaster and wanting to puke...
Maslow’s hierarchy
I feel that some people focus on aesthetics and want a lot of money to create the perfect look for themselves or their home. Some people seek fame because they have a deep need for esteem and found their talents and honed them to get recognition. Some people focus on...
Grade one starts. I remember the teacher saying I was "gifted". Now "gifted" didnt mean you were a gift or got a gift or something good. It always had a bad wrao. You were stuck in a cramped room with a bunch of weird kids and made fun of. I did not want to be in this room.
Writing some...
Have you ever been in a crowded room yet felt so alone? Always. Spent much of my life busy. In a social status yet so alone. No one has understood me. Always missunderstood. Always been like the english I was speaking was some sort of gibberish. Never understood this.
The first time I noticed I...
The pain will not sustain me, for long.
It will drain me.
It will attain me. Hoping it wont bring shame to me. Wont replace me. Rename me. Make me blame me. I cant suffer. Cant expose. Nerves exposed. Bliind eyes turned. Waves afoot. How long till I see fit. Crooked ridge. Lost hips blended...
Fading saddened. Don't want to leaving. I'm here to soundboard you. Bounce back. Ash i can get behind. Sick i can get behind. I don't get it. Try to forget it. Can't. Move past it. Can't. Picking up the mess left. She's alone. You aren't self. But this was. I don't get it. Still picking...
I left you behind. Rotting. I should have stayed. I still hate that I didnt stay. Kept on moving, going forward. Didnt stay and hold your hand. You smelled like rot. Though I should have stayed. All alone. Hospital bed. No one around. You are just dead. I kinda feel bad I didnt do more. Im...
You could have stayed. Don't know how to be. You could still be here. You didnt take care of you. You esnted to be gone. Why didnt you want to be here, Anymore? I miss you, every day. Best friend. Texted you. Everyday, bestfriend. You werent always my go to but you grew into my go to.dependent...