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The long and winding post...

Smoking!
---
I sent a letter to my one roommate who has been smoking in the apartment. I CC'd my other roommate, my mother and my father. I am not really communicating with my father right now but he is a landlord and the smoking roommate is aware of this and has also met both of my parents and spoken to them. I wanted two people outside of the situation to be aware of it and give my dad a head's up- then he and my mother can look into it from their perspective. I CC'd my other roommate because, obviously, she needs to know what is going on. I clarified with her that it is not because I expect her to be involved in a personal issue that does not involved the lease, explicitly, however.

The letter went over the following points:
I said, explicitly "once again" that he please stop smoking marijuana [or any other substance] in the apartment.
it is harmful to my health. I pointed out that I have repeatedly told him specific ways that it is harmful via emails, online, conversations and texts prior to now. I also stated that at this point he is knowingly and actively causing physical harm to me, because he has responded to these messages and yet continued to smoke in the apartment.
I reviewed that a police officer had come to the apartment and stated to him that his roommates have asthma and health problems, the smoking affects them, and he shouldn't be smoking in the apartment since it is against the lease.
I described, again, specific health issues attributable to increased irritants in the air, which correlate to him moving in and smoking in the apartment.
I also mentioned the times that he has told me to move out of the apartment, and my response that it is not an option. Combined with the knowledge that him smoking causes health problems, I wrote the following:
"Your actions can really only be interpreted as active intention to cause me injury
At this point it is reasonable to categorize it as such."
I told him I had pursued every possible avenue short of having a lawyer and/or an officer of the law officially intervene [not just a visit and a chat]. Because while smoking pot is not illegal, actively and knowingly causing harm to another individual is.

I said, in closing that I am requesting one last time that he stop. And "thank you for your cooperation".
---
So, I am really torn about this. I mean this is all pretty legitimate. I could pursue legal action if I wanted to- I'm not sure about the specifics but based on superficial investigation there are numerous ways I could go with it.
...I DON'T WANT TO. I really hate that I even had to write something like that.


Chronic Health Crap!
---
In other news:
I've been dealing with my chronic health crap by trying to regulate my activities and rest and not pushing too hard. I'm just pissed off at this point though.
I was on a high dose of celebrex which, while not a miracle, helped more than anything else had. But it shot my blood pressure way up. The rheumatologist I saw was kind of a big jerk and kept going back to my mental health, which wasn't what i was there for.
So i walked out of the office because he wasn't even listening to me.

I am running into a lot of that- people not really hearing what my life is like. Chronic illness is often variable. One day you can do a couple loads of laundry and cook and go for a walk, and then you have to sleep for the next two days.

Ok, but the thing is... I have this thing inside me where... I COULD not do that. I could just keep pushing. Like, doctors ask me if I can run. I am not sure what that question is asking. Technically, I can run. Would other people in my position answer "yes" to that question? Probably not. I have this thing where I will push myself to do anything, where I can will myself not to move through almost any pain- I got explanon the other day and was completely stoic the entire time, same for when I get tattoos.

So, I have this whole thing where, when I'm resting or not doing things because I am in pain I am legitimately exhausted and legitimately in pain. If i need to, I can to some extent just push through it.

I'm now on etodolac. It kind of helps. Not enough. If you combine celebrex with etodolac, there are some risks for long term use. I discussed this with my mother*** and decided to take a third of the dose of the celebrex I was on and the regular dose of etodolac.
Kids, don't try this at home. I absolutely to not encourage anyone to do this. I am a very very desperate person- like... if I can't get my life back, I won't want my life. If that indicates where I'm at.

In theory I see my GP in two weeks. The reality is that i want to give up on all my physical providers and just see my therapist and psychiatrist and continue on the celebrex and etodolac [psychiatrists are MDs, remember?].

The problem is that I'm so pissed off I'm about to give into that thing where I just go. Go and go and go.
The first time I joined the cross country team in highschool, I joined a bit late in the season. I wasn't a runner- I'd never really gone running or anything, I didn't even jog in my spare time.
That practice was five miles. I went the whole five miles and didn't stop. Because. Just because.

...yeah.
SO LONG.

*** Just for context:My mother has her MSN [master's in nursing] with a specialty in gerontology. She has been doing nursing her entire life in practically every capacity possible. Right now she does case management via telephone and needs to have an understanding of medications so frequently gets up to date education in pharmacology. We often discuss my medications for GI and pain and inflammation because they are often prescribed for the older population.



Comments

Does it help to give yourself permission to be tired?

I understand that chronic illness means energy levels are variable and what "looks like" ordinary effort to other people requires extraordinary recovery because there's nothing ordinary about the effort you need to make.

I'm too deep in my own noise to be especially perceptive right now. I'm sort of wondering about my own tendency to just go and go and go until the malaise either lifts or intensifies into something I don't have to explain or defend.

Your roommate sounds like either a sociopath or an incompetent predator and in either case is committing a slow form of murder. Is that overstatement? Or pretty much how you see it? Or just wrong entirely?

You have different choices about what to turn into. I'm holding you in my thoughts, when I can hold them together long enough.
 

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SignOfLazarus
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