Previously: Deathcake earthquake happens when I let panic drive my need to act, because action looks like a way to control a situation. While it's weird to see panic as a controlling technique, it's even weirder asking what it is that panic controls, and why non-action is so hard to choose even when it's the right decision. Put another way: what purpose does panic serve? Not 10,000 years ago, but right now?
Summary: My panic's purpose is to paralyze my mind when it gets too far ahead of my emotions. Until the tide turns the other way, and my emotions swamp my thoughts, at which point panic abruptly converts into depression.
Panic doesn't think; it moves. Acting in panic means I resort to well-rehearsed routines that I can do nearly "automatically"--without any additional thought beyond the decision to use them. The routines aren't obsessive-compulsive things, they're logical problem responses based on my opinion of myself in the moment and the scenario's specifics. I no longer have the bandwidth to try to be normal, and I berate myself mercilessly for not being normal. It's as if I thought I could punish myself into becoming neurotypical. Then I'd stop having all these problems. Right?
Meet the Hanging Judge
Deathcake gets baked when the steady little failures incurred while "trying be normal" become problems in their own right. I have the problem I had before, and I've added the problem with self-confidence, self-esteem, or some other issue that's forced out of the shadows, along with my opinion of myself for having those problems.
A dark voice develops. I've named it the "Hanging Judge."
My Hanging Judge beats to death any nascent positiveness I might have been harbouring. The Judge remembers my failures from the beginning of time, leading to today's inevitable failure (often something like missing the bus, or forgetting a form, or not doing something on time) and all the failures that must now happen as a result, far into the future. And Deathcake rises.
The Hanging Judge's scaffold is the Deathcake Bakery.
Half-baked Thoughts and Over-baked Passions
When my emotions have overtaken my thoughts, it's the emotions I'm trying to flee. Panic takes off in a new direction while I try to figure out what I'm feeling, and how to transform the feeling. If I can remember that feelings aren't facts, and that today is not forever, I'll get through it without major damage. If I've managed to find a hideaway from the rest of the world.
If I just can't create that thought, there's only so much stress hormone I can dump into myself at once. Exhaustion sets in, making the Deathcake look even larger as I stare out of the deepening abyss.
Sometimes someone or some ones love me out of it. Sometimes I just get an emotional "seizure," like an epileptic fit, and finally sleep it out. The emotional hangover isn't pleasant, but at least I don't react to anything for a while.
I still wonder how I will learn to slow down, find a virtue in being deliberate, and not confuse it with procrastination. And, especially, not give the Hanging Judge a gavel.
Talking to Myself: Possible Solutions
Maybe I should give tai chi or breath yoga another chance. (I do use breath yoga, actually, when I'm only a little stressed. I just can't "form the thought" which means I'll have to form a habit, make it a well-rehearsed routine.)
Huh. I didn't see that coming.
I did both of these, and neither became a habit. Why not?
Schedules and responsibilities kept changing and still do. I'm permanently in "ready for the next interrupt" mode. I hit a limit on tai chi forms--I got stuck and I kept panicking, I couldn't learn the 88. I remember now--I'd always have to look at what others were doing, I couldn't keep up. And I MUST keep up--must believe that I can become an expert.
It's not wrong to take the meds. It's a relief not losing things every couple of hours.
Why do you think you have to defend your meds?
Because other people can! [stop using meds]
Why are you upset by the question?
Because...this is screwing up what 'normal' is. I can't even try to be normal anymore if I don't have a norm for myself; "norm" is the only psychic home I have.
And are these people doing all the things you're doing?
I don't know. OK, fine, this approach isn't getting anywhere useful.
Go back and read the parasympathetic benefits thread again.
Summary: My panic's purpose is to paralyze my mind when it gets too far ahead of my emotions. Until the tide turns the other way, and my emotions swamp my thoughts, at which point panic abruptly converts into depression.
Panic doesn't think; it moves. Acting in panic means I resort to well-rehearsed routines that I can do nearly "automatically"--without any additional thought beyond the decision to use them. The routines aren't obsessive-compulsive things, they're logical problem responses based on my opinion of myself in the moment and the scenario's specifics. I no longer have the bandwidth to try to be normal, and I berate myself mercilessly for not being normal. It's as if I thought I could punish myself into becoming neurotypical. Then I'd stop having all these problems. Right?
Meet the Hanging Judge
Deathcake gets baked when the steady little failures incurred while "trying be normal" become problems in their own right. I have the problem I had before, and I've added the problem with self-confidence, self-esteem, or some other issue that's forced out of the shadows, along with my opinion of myself for having those problems.
A dark voice develops. I've named it the "Hanging Judge."
My Hanging Judge beats to death any nascent positiveness I might have been harbouring. The Judge remembers my failures from the beginning of time, leading to today's inevitable failure (often something like missing the bus, or forgetting a form, or not doing something on time) and all the failures that must now happen as a result, far into the future. And Deathcake rises.
The Hanging Judge's scaffold is the Deathcake Bakery.
Half-baked Thoughts and Over-baked Passions
When my emotions have overtaken my thoughts, it's the emotions I'm trying to flee. Panic takes off in a new direction while I try to figure out what I'm feeling, and how to transform the feeling. If I can remember that feelings aren't facts, and that today is not forever, I'll get through it without major damage. If I've managed to find a hideaway from the rest of the world.
If I just can't create that thought, there's only so much stress hormone I can dump into myself at once. Exhaustion sets in, making the Deathcake look even larger as I stare out of the deepening abyss.
Sometimes someone or some ones love me out of it. Sometimes I just get an emotional "seizure," like an epileptic fit, and finally sleep it out. The emotional hangover isn't pleasant, but at least I don't react to anything for a while.
I still wonder how I will learn to slow down, find a virtue in being deliberate, and not confuse it with procrastination. And, especially, not give the Hanging Judge a gavel.
Talking to Myself: Possible Solutions
Maybe I should give tai chi or breath yoga another chance. (I do use breath yoga, actually, when I'm only a little stressed. I just can't "form the thought" which means I'll have to form a habit, make it a well-rehearsed routine.)
Huh. I didn't see that coming.
I did both of these, and neither became a habit. Why not?
Schedules and responsibilities kept changing and still do. I'm permanently in "ready for the next interrupt" mode. I hit a limit on tai chi forms--I got stuck and I kept panicking, I couldn't learn the 88. I remember now--I'd always have to look at what others were doing, I couldn't keep up. And I MUST keep up--must believe that I can become an expert.
It's not wrong to take the meds. It's a relief not losing things every couple of hours.
Why do you think you have to defend your meds?
Because other people can! [stop using meds]
Why are you upset by the question?
Because...this is screwing up what 'normal' is. I can't even try to be normal anymore if I don't have a norm for myself; "norm" is the only psychic home I have.
And are these people doing all the things you're doing?
I don't know. OK, fine, this approach isn't getting anywhere useful.
Go back and read the parasympathetic benefits thread again.
