Just need some self-assurance

[Misty Avich]

Most of the time I think that I can't be such a bad person by nature, because the way I feel so angry and resentment and insecure about having ASD some people with my emotional issues would bully others to make one feel better about oneself (not talking about other autistics, just people in general).

But I've never bullied anyone in my life, and even if I accidentally came across as bullying (online) I've never got joy out of it, quite the opposite actually; I beat myself up and feel guilty instead and crave reassurance from others for self-assurance.

Some would call it attention-seeking, but maybe it is in a way but not in a manipulative or malicious way, it's just that I need an ego boost every now and then, like we all do. I like to offer kindness and reassurance to others when I can, because sometimes it can really make their day. We're all entitled to post whatever we like here if it's within the rules, so I think that whoever criticises others for "complaining" should be reported. This is a support forum after all. People should feel lucky I don't go around bullying and belittling people for an ego boost, instead I just beat myself up and need some emotional support.

But despite all that, I still get on the receiving end of malicious name-calling and accusations of being a bully, and it really doesn't help my already crumbling self-esteem when people turn hostile over some principle and turn OTHERS against me too.

Can anyone relate? Do you know what I mean? Why are stranger's opinions of me online so real to me?

 

[jsilver256]

Well whatever others' opinions of you are (and I wouldn't know what others think of you), my opinion is that I haven't seen you post anything mean or off-the-wall. I like you and your posts.

 

[Rodafina]

I beat myself up and feel guilty instead and crave reassurance from others for self-assurance.

You cannot really get self-assurance by seeking reassurance from others. This is the difference between internal and external validation. If you give other people the power to build your confidence and make you feel good about yourself, you are also giving others the power to tear you down and feel badly about yourself. External validation and reassurance from others can be important, but I think what would be more helpful is building confidence from within.

Building confidence, fostering internal validation, and improving your self esteem is possible if you are willing to put the work in. It may take the support of a mental health professional.

Do any of you have self esteem issues?

I deal with my low self esteem in my waking hours and I feel bad about myself all the time. How do any of you deal with low self esteem issues?

www.autismforums.com

Self esteem

Hi! I have dated what I think is an aspie guy for 2 years. Is it common that aspies say condescending things about themselves?

www.autismforums.com

Selfesteem

I dont want to make long post about my history, but long depression and bullying destroyed my selfesteem to critical level where i thought about myself that im worthless and stupid human being that cannot do anything right. I have always valued myself by how well i perform in different ways, how...

www.autismforums.com

Lack Of Confidence

Call it societal norms, call it pressure, call it perfectionism, call it however you like Simply put, I been struggling with confidence my whole life I’m confident when I’m by myself, but same can’t be said when I’m with others I try not to compare myself with others as I know everyone...

www.autismforums.com

What is Confidence?

The ability to do what I want without doubting myself. The expectation of getting my own way or having my ideas put into practice, believing that I have the highest truth at that moment and feel it is the right thing to do. Confidence doesn’t get its own way all the time of course. When it...

www.autismforums.com

 

[Misty Avich]

Well whatever others' opinions of you are (and I wouldn't know what others think of you), my opinion is that I haven't seen you post anything mean or off-the-wall. I like you and your posts.

Thank you. I didn't think I posted anything mean or off-the-wall either but according to some people online I might as well have committed murder.

 

[Misty Avich]

You cannot really get self-assurance by seeking reassurance from others. This is the difference between internal and external validation. If you give other people the power to build your confidence and make you feel good about yourself, you are also giving others the power to tear you down and feel badly about yourself. External validation and reassurance from others can be important, but I think what would be more helpful is building confidence from within.

Building confidence, fostering internal validation, and improving your self esteem is possible if you are willing to put the work in. It may take the support of a mental health professional.

Do any of you have self esteem issues?

I deal with my low self esteem in my waking hours and I feel bad about myself all the time. How do any of you deal with low self esteem issues?

www.autismforums.com

Self esteem

Hi! I have dated what I think is an aspie guy for 2 years. Is it common that aspies say condescending things about themselves?

www.autismforums.com

Selfesteem

I dont want to make long post about my history, but long depression and bullying destroyed my selfesteem to critical level where i thought about myself that im worthless and stupid human being that cannot do anything right. I have always valued myself by how well i perform in different ways, how...

www.autismforums.com

Lack Of Confidence

Call it societal norms, call it pressure, call it perfectionism, call it however you like Simply put, I been struggling with confidence my whole life I’m confident when I’m by myself, but same can’t be said when I’m with others I try not to compare myself with others as I know everyone...

www.autismforums.com

What is Confidence?

The ability to do what I want without doubting myself. The expectation of getting my own way or having my ideas put into practice, believing that I have the highest truth at that moment and feel it is the right thing to do. Confidence doesn’t get its own way all the time of course. When it...

www.autismforums.com

As social creatures we (humans) sometimes need validation from others.
What's that saying again? "One person calls you a name, you can ignore. Two people call you a name..." and so on, I can't remember how it went.
I've had at least 6 people calling me names online, so I'm beginning to believe it myself, even though many other things I do contradict all these name-calling, but I guess it's part of the human condition to only focus on the bad points. Also having ASD seems to exclude us from having any imperfections otherwise we get told we "lack empathy", but it's okay to be selfish sometimes but I feel guilty if I am being selfish so I feel I have to apologise and explain myself. If I didn't have ASD people most likely would give me the "you lack empathy!" lecture when I am being a bit selfish.

 

[Rodafina]

As social creatures we (humans) sometimes need validation from others.

Yes, and other times, we need to find it within.

... it's part of the human condition to only focus on the bad points.

That's a choice we can make and a habit that can be changed.

Having a strong sense of confidence and actively trying to improve your self esteem is not selfish and it is not impossible. But it does take concerted effort and sometimes, therapy.

 

[jsilver256]

As social creatures we (humans) sometimes need validation from others.
What's that saying again? "One person calls you a name, you can ignore. Two people call you a name..." and so on, I can't remember how it went.
I've had at least 6 people calling me names online, so I'm beginning to believe it myself, even though many other things I do contradict all these name-calling, but I guess it's part of the human condition to only focus on the bad points. Also having ASD seems to exclude us from having any imperfections otherwise we get told we "lack empathy", but it's okay to be selfish sometimes but I feel guilty if I am being selfish so I feel I have to apologise and explain myself. If I didn't have ASD people most likely would give me the "you lack empathy!" lecture when I am being a bit selfish.

I haven't seen anyone call you names though? Was this over DMs?

The worst thing I've seen you do is that you're a little quick to internalize feedback. But that's a lot of people, too, and it is a very small thing in the large scheme (there is no perfect Internet poster). Overall you're a very nice poster on this forum IMO.

 

[MNAus]

Hi there, I think I recall you mentioning that you said something once and misgendered someone or something like that. Is this regarding that? I think I recall you mentioning it a few times and it does seem to be troubling you. Is it regarding that?

If so, AFAIK one of the challenges that comes with ASD is these persistent, "sticky" thoughts about past wrongs, mistakes and embarrassments. I could give you a "just move on, it was only a minor faux-pas at most" answer, but clearly you would have done if that's all it took. That said there are ways of approaching life and accepting yourself, warts and all, that can help. Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this?

 

[Misty Avich]

I haven't seen anyone call you names though? Was this over DMs?

The worst thing I've seen you do is that you're a little quick to internalize feedback. But that's a lot of people, too, and it is a very small thing in the large scheme (there is no perfect Internet poster). Overall you're a very nice poster on this forum IMO.

Thank you

 

[Misty Avich]

Hi there, I think I recall you mentioning that you said something once and misgendered someone or something like that. Is this regarding that? I think I recall you mentioning it a few times and it does seem to be troubling you. Is it regarding that?

If so, AFAIK one of the challenges that comes with ASD is these persistent, "sticky" thoughts about past wrongs, mistakes and embarrassments. I could give you a "just move on, it was only a minor faux-pas at most" answer, but clearly you would have done if that's all it took. That said there are ways of approaching life and accepting yourself, warts and all, that can help. Do you have a therapist you can talk to about this?

Thank you.
It's not just that, I have been called a lot more names than transphobic, and to be called so many names by angry people it does kind of kill your self-esteem and make you frightened of them being right, especially when it's from stuck up cliques and mods elsewhere who won't forgive.
Misgendering someone apparently isn't a little faux pas these days, it's HUGE.

I don't want this thread to be derailed into political matters like that (not blaming you or anything, just a reminder in general, as I don't want this thread being removed or locked). This thread is about feelings, not politics. But I do wear my heart on my sleeves, both online and offline, and although that's okay offline, it seems to get me into trouble online.

 

[Misty Avich]

I think I found it:

"If one person calls you a jackass, ignore him. If two people call you a jackass, think about it. If three people call you a jackass, buy yourself a saddle."

Someone online said something like that to me once, and it made me panic that they're right.

 

[MNAus]

I think I found it:

"If one person calls you a jackass, ignore him. If two people call you a jackass, think about it. If three people call you a jackass, buy yourself a saddle."

Someone online said something like that to me once, and it made me panic that they're right.

If you go through life without a few hundred people calling you a jackass you've lived too little. Regarding the second half of my post, this ruminating on past situations seems fairly common, do you have a therapist who can teach you practical tools to deal with it?

 

[Misty Avich]

If you go through life without a few hundred people calling you a jackass you've lived too little.

Hmm, I'll think about those words. Quite insightful.

Regarding the second half of my post, this ruminating on past situations seems fairly common, do you have a therapist who can teach you practical tools to deal with it?

I'm having therapy for emetophobia at the moment and you can only work on one thing at a time. Also, because my online issues sort of involve politics, they might not want to talk about it with me. Policies and political correctness and all that.

 

[MNAus]

I'm having therapy for emetophobia at the moment and you can only work on one thing at a time. Also, because my online issues sort of involve politics, they might not want to talk about it with me. Policies and political correctness and all that.

Hmm, indeed, I'm no professional. Perhaps mixing things up might not work if they are busy working with the emetophobia. But any therapist worth their salt would absolutely not judge you. If there is an opportunity to discuss these fears and the introspection you have about past events, it might be a smart move to see if they have any tools that can help. This stuff seems to weigh on you, and that's no way to go through life.

 

[Misty Avich]

Hmm, indeed, I'm no professional. Perhaps mixing things up might not work if they are busy working with the emetophobia. But any therapist worth their salt would absolutely not judge you. If there is an opportunity to discuss these fears and the introspection you have about past events, it might be a smart move to see if they have any tools that can help. This stuff seems to weigh on you, and that's no way to go through life.

Yes, I do need someone who can drum these things into me to change the way I think. It also comes from guilt, guilt that I have upset someone. It seems all too easy to upset people online than it is offline.

But I just fear that therapists avoid talking about certain topics. For example, if someone had murderous thoughts and urges to act on them, they'd probably see a psychiatrist more so than a therapist, as a therapist would probably avoid that subject. I have a feeling the same applies to people like me who can't keep their mouth shut online. You know, certain stuff that are taboo or off-limits. But I don't know.

 

[Rodafina]

For example, if someone had murderous thoughts and urges to act on them, they'd probably see a psychiatrist more so than a therapist, as a therapist would probably avoid that subject.

I wonder where you got this idea. Therapists get specific training in how to handle such topics.

 

[Misty Avich]

I wonder where you got this idea. Therapists get specific training in how to handle such topics.

Well I did speak to the Samaritans on email but whenever I brought up my issues about getting involved in political fights online, they never answered that part, like they were avoiding the subject. I thought therapy might have similar policies and that if you have committed a crime accidentally you have to see a psychiatrist.

 

[Jonn]

I beat myself up and feel guilty instead

Therapeutic humour:

Spoiler

 

[Jonn]

Some would call it attention-seeking, but maybe it is in a way but not in a manipulative or malicious way,

Some people "Project" their inner mindset onto others.

How can you tell if someone is projecting on you?

If someone has an unusually strong reaction to something you say, or there doesn’t seem to be a reasonable explanation for their reaction, they might be projecting their insecurities onto you.

Projection

Projection is the process of displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal, or object. The term is most commonly used to describe defensive projection—attributing one’s own unacceptable urges to another. For example, if someone continuously bullies and ridicules a peer about his...

www.psychologytoday.com

I like to offer kindness and reassurance to others when I can, because sometimes it can really make their day.

But consider the addage: "No good deed goes unpunished."

Can anyone relate? Do you know what I mean? Why are stranger's opinions of me online so real to me?

I used to be emotionally affected by online bullies.
Not anymore.
It can take a lot of time to develop strategies against this.

Based on personal experiences:
Self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-assertiveness are key elements in combating/nullifying the effects of malicious individuals.

 

[Misty Avich]

Some people "Project" their inner mindset onto others.

Projection

Projection is the process of displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal, or object. The term is most commonly used to describe defensive projection—attributing one’s own unacceptable urges to another. For example, if someone continuously bullies and ridicules a peer about his...

www.psychologytoday.com

But consider the addage: "No good deed goes unpunished."


I used to be emotionally affected by online bullies.
Not anymore.
It can take a lot of time to develop strategies against this.

Based on personal experiences:
Self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-assertiveness are key elements in combating/nullifying the effects of malicious individuals.

You always know how to make me laugh. Thanks for being you.