Communication Style in Online Friendships and Loneliness

[Ivi]

Hi, I try to make this as short as possible, I have a bad habit of writing overly long messages in general, probably this time again.

My question to other people here on the spectrum is, that do you have a specific (maybe very rigid) type/style of communicating when trying to find new friendships online?

I definitely do, and that is a BIG reason for my loneliness and isolation. I have tried every possible "more modern" communication styles that suit other people better, and I've tried them multiple times, just to end up noticing that they aren't natural to me, or they cut my train of thought when I'm focusing on something else, or are otherwise impossible to me for some reason.

My only successful way in making online friendships (at least at first online, if later offline) has been that I want to start writing in the "penpal" style but with email. I write with my laptop only, and keep my phone away from me most of the time. I also only like phone calls very rarely, and with people I'm very very interested in, and whom I've got to know a bit more beforehand. Sometimes phone calls, even the "facetime" calls have been fun, but kind of a rare occasion.

I have also tried to go back to the traditional penpal letter writing that I used to do as a teenager and young adult before I got the internet, but I also noticed that I've gotten too impatient to handwrite anymore, I do it too slowly compared to writing emails. (The reason I've tried this too again is that it's still a hobby for some people, unlike emailing, so there are people who love writing postal letters.)
I also like to write/answer in my own space and not to hurry in communicating with people. It's difficult for me to communicate fast, without thinking first of what to write or sometimes what to speak (or more like how to answer). Depending on the situation, if it's a challenging conversation, I might shutdown completely. And only later have my answer ready and thought out.

So I've tried the instant messaging on social media, mostly FB and later on WhatsApp. This is because most people nowadays communicate via short texts, that's the easiest way to try to find friends. But I'm unable to do that in the long run, because I simply tend to forget to answer short messages that don't have much content to latch on. (And I'm the opposite of a phone addict.) So it's definitely not the lack of trying, quite the opposite, I've worn myself out by trying to be how we are supposed to be nowadays.
People I've been emailing with usually tell me after a while that they don't want to continue emailing (it's exhausting to most people to write long mails), they want to start communicating via texts or calls etc. on the phone and leave the mailing ("penpaling") part completely out. For me at that point the relationship is usually dying, because it starts to lack the nerdy or insightful content and the exchange of deeper thoughts, or just anything to move forward with (as in: getting to know more of each other's thoughts). Most email penpals won't last long, and I admit that when I've had too many of them, I've also felt too worn out, even if we'd both reply after a week or later.

I have tried different platforms to look for email penpals, but most of them say they don't want to write more than instant messages. I also understand that many people aren't into writing like I am. It's not the modern day. The modern day is the phone and apps, and the social media platforms with short texting instantly, maybe phone calls sometimes too. It's mostly based on small talk, and some people apparently can form full friendships like that (?). I go way too deep when I try to get to know people. I want to know so much about them and always wish they would tell me about their thoughts more and more (no matter what their thoughts are, they interest me more than the small talk ).

Does anyone else have some strange or rigid style of getting to know new people? How about others having similar feelings towards phones as I do? Or feeling unable to keep emotionally satisfying friendships via texts and small talk only?

 

[Rodafina]

I can relate to much of that. I think at the end of the day, you need to find a mode of communication that feels authentic and not too draining for you. In my experience, any time that I am trying to do something that isn't natural for me, I start to get burnt out and lose interest.

The best method of interacting and connecting that I've experienced is right here on the forum. There are so many different types of topics being discussed, there is a generally accepted etiquette (and it is clearly outlined with rules), and there are some really great people with interesting perspectives on things. The communication can happen at your own pace and there is a mixture of casual and light conversations as well as very serious and more thoughtful things. I've really enjoyed interacting with people through the games here, too.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I relate. So much. In fact, this answer is going to get much shorter than normally because our Internet is acting up right now and I have Internet on my phone but not on my laptop, and I really hate typing long messages on my phone.

I adore writing, and I love writing long messages, emails and, yes, also letters.
If you're interested in becoming email pals, feel free to message me.
Fortunately, I have friends who usually don't mind. I am able to have instant messenger conversations, so it's not much of a problem for me, but I am happy for every person whom I can exchange long emails with. I have one friend with whom I do it often.

So, yes, I can completely relate to your love of writing.

 

[Seladon]

You have my sympathy! Ever since I was little, I haven't known when to shut up when writing, typing or talking.

What you say about the internet becoming sadly dumbed down and 140-characters-ised holds true, I see it and it sucks. Still, there are holdouts, online spaces which favour longer form posting in the old-school style. It's just a case of finding the right platform/board, and the right groups within them.

E.g. some /r subs and old (as in demo and establishment date) forums I'm in, as well as some tumblrs I follow, like and accept and encourage longer rambling submissions, so I take full advantage of that. Not doxxing myself to say exactly which ones, but you get the picture. Niche or 'nerd' spaces might be your best bet, they're usually replete with users like us.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I have to know someone really well already to be able to short message. Too much room for miscommunication. When I write a substantial message, I can reread and edit till it says precisely what I want it to say (which is why it bothers me when people add in their own biases all over what I have carefully said or specifically not said). I am a writer as one of my hobbies, and I guess that tends to leak out into messages.
Before computers email was a thing (yeah, I'm an old geezer), I used to penpal, but my handwriting was so ghastly that I had to type my letters.
Message me if you would like to correspond.

 

[Jonn]

My question to other people here on the spectrum is, that do you have a specific (maybe very rigid) type/style of communicating when trying to find new friendships online?

I used to use humour a lot, and at one point it worked well.
However, there is always the danger of insulting some ppl through being misunderstood or ppl who have little tolerance for ppl not adhering strictly to the thread topic.
Best to keep the jokes to ppl who know you I have found.

 

[Jonn]

I have to know someone really well already to be able to short message. Too much room for miscommunication.

Misinterpretation happens so often. <sigh>
So many ppl jump to conclusions rather than clarify what is meant.

When I write a substantial message, I can reread and edit till it says precisely what I want it to say (which is why it bothers me when people add in their own biases all over what I have carefully said or specifically not said).

I am overwhelmingly very careful when I make a post.
Often what I say is well-considered and heavily interconnected.
Usually, one point supports the next.

Some ppl don't recognise that and when they try and pull my argument apart, become frustrated when I have most bases covered.

I don't need to be the smartest person in the room.
Unfortunately, some do.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

At various times in my life I have been lucky enough to have correspondants who love to write long letters, which were then posted in US Mail. I have saved many of these letters; they are a pleasure to read from time to time. These are correspondants who know how to write in paragraphs, use the language well and have a point or description to expound.

You are correct that writing in 140 characters is much more the preferred writing style now. I agree that writing in paragraphs has become out-dated.

I have had some email exchanges which were long, involved and rewarding, but those do tend to fall away after some period of time. I suspect other parts of life are calling to my correspondants and that is okay. I understand.

So I would say, OP, it is clear from your responses there are others in this world who value serious correspondance. It is no longer as prevalent as before the internet, but it is still there.

 

[Aspychata]

I guess l fall in that realm. Maybe they should call it word dumping. I don't trauma dump as much, l stopped over-sharing, which was related to ptsd. Now l am working on short, concise, and less verbiage.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Madison poor Madison. That's the woman I became good friends with and wow I can literary send her paragraphs of texts in one message and I do often. But she is so kind and understanding that she understands and does not mind when I trauma dump on her. She keeps telling me, Tony, there is no need to apologize.