Attracted to unavailable people?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Then what?
And even harder if u cannot understand the reasons except maybe u are lonely and crave someone who understands and want some attention that is not a full time commitment and think it will make u feel good or better..
But it actually turns into a big mess that makes you feel unhappier.
But u actually love the person and want them in a platonic way but keep accidentally going sexual instead and it really upsets u
Advice here?
Stay away from person? How to cure loneliness with limited social connections?
And still want platonic
And how aesthetic attraction is hard too and it does not make u just go for looks
But can get frustrating because it can mean just wanting to be with someone good looking to make u feel good and youthful
But hard when u are sick
Have experience with this?

 

[elgat0verde]

I think we do it to be safe

At least in my personal situation

If I fall deeply for a musician, for example, that way I can have some feelings of attraction without really engaging with them and that way I won't get hurt in the end.

It's a form of self-protection because of all my bad situations in the past (all of them my fault)

 

[Raggamuffin]

My parents are emotionally unstable and unavailable. Therein lies the template for most of my future friendships and relationships. Because that's what I think a relationship, love and affection is.

It's been a year and I'm still trying to get over my last relationship, and she was a mix of emotionally mature and unstable. Closest thing for me that came to love, and the amount of time, energy and self-worth I put into it was exhausting. I gave so much in that relationship that it feels like I left a piece of me with her, and so it continues to hurt.

Ed

 

[Tom]

Do you mean like getting to know a person already in a committed relationship, thinking to have an safe emotional connection but no physical element?

If so, yes I can see how that often would go sideways. One thing leads to another as they say.

I would think it best to avoid already attached people.

Finding another platonic type would make sense, but doesn't sound easy. Finding someone with limited/infrequent drive for intimacy might be easier to find.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Then what?
And even harder if u cannot understand the reasons except maybe u are lonely and crave someone who understands and want some attention that is not a full time commitment and think it will make u feel good or better..
But it actually turns into a big mess that makes you feel unhappier.
But u actually love the person and want them in a platonic way but keep accidentally going sexual instead and it really upsets u
Advice here?
Stay away from person? How to cure loneliness with limited social connections?
And still want platonic
And how aesthetic attraction is hard too and it does not make u just go for looks
But can get frustrating because it can mean just wanting to be with someone good looking to make u feel good and youthful
But hard when u are sick
Have experience with this?

Yes, definitely. I have women within my inner circle that I am physically and mentally attracted to. Some are single, some have significant others, with families, all with their own lives. I am also happily married and would never put myself in a position where their lives or my own would be compromised. I highly value my wife and would never put our relationship or the life we've created together at risk.

Mentally, you have to separate your life from theirs. Whenever you find yourself getting "a little too close", you've got to have the self-discipline to recognize it and slowly back away, whilst still maintaining the relationship. If you are allowing emotionally-driven behavior to give away your attraction to them, as in a serious way, then it can get extremely awkward and even jeopardize a valuable relationship. I usually find myself being the man in their lives that will outwardly give them props and respect, a support person, someone they can talk to (a listening post), whilst still subtly and playfully acknowledging the attraction when others are there to laugh and play along. Situational context is important.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, l am attracted to a emotionally unavailable one because he doesn't threaten me. But that's where it can get tricky if you end up really liking them, then it's tricky when when your own feelings start attacking you in the situation. However l do have a emotionally available person around me, and l have learned to find acceptance and Zen with him. I am scared of the emotionally unavailable person.

 

[All-Rounder]

Then what?
And even harder if u cannot understand the reasons except maybe u are lonely and crave someone who understands and want some attention that is not a full time commitment and think it will make u feel good or better..
But it actually turns into a big mess that makes you feel unhappier.
But u actually love the person and want them in a platonic way but keep accidentally going sexual instead and it really upsets u
Advice here?
Stay away from person? How to cure loneliness with limited social connections?
And still want platonic
And how aesthetic attraction is hard too and it does not make u just go for looks
But can get frustrating because it can mean just wanting to be with someone good looking to make u feel good and youthful
But hard when u are sick
Have experience with this?

There is no cure for such loneliness, it only gets worse.
There is no fixing it, if there was, breaking up would be easy to people.
There is nothing you can do but accept it's how it is until you've had enough and move on.

If the person cared it would change, but you can't change others. My boyfriend always cares so much about my feelings and does things he finds extremely difficult for me. He is also interested in his own relationship needs and works on planning and engaging in various activities.

If somebody blames you for not enjoying the person 'incredibly,' they're unable to understand life.

Get your old friends to help you break it off if it's so dysbalanced. Don't trust new friends with anything important.

Surviving in that is not ideal, because it's not really survival, it's destruction and it becomes an addiction.

Narcissistic partners are very different from nurturing ones who involve themselves in their relationships, even beyond a perceived equality, but with sacrifice and unconditionality.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have had platonic relationships and I like the people. However, that never becomes sexual as I will never jeopardize the deep relationship I have with my spouse.

How to cure loneliness with limited social connections?
And still want platonic

Even at my loneliest I never was attracted to somebody who was not emotionally available. I saw that as a likely way to be used through (false) emotional manipulation. As a consequence, before even attempting to connect, I would try to understand if they were interested in me, but I did not understand social signals and my lonelyness only increased.

When I was lonely and watching the Muppet Show by myself on Friday nights, I decided to start engaging with people. I did that through involvement with interest and outings groups. I made friends I still have to this day and met my spouse as we car pooled to a national outing. Even now I enjoy outings with local clubs. This Friday I will be leading a bicycle outing on the Heritage Trail in the National Lakeshore. I am pretty known in my community and I feel that if I lose my spouse, should I wish to continue living, I think that finding companionship will not be too hard for me. Yet, I would have a great deal of anxiety at that since my libido is declining and I feel a little shame about that.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I have had platonic relationships and I like the people. However, that never becomes sexual as I will never jeopardize the deep relationship I have with my spouse.

Even at my loneliest I never was attracted to somebody who was not emotionally available. I saw that as a likely way to be used through (false) emotional manipulation. As a consequence, before even attempting to connect, I would try to understand if they were interested in me, but I did not understand social signals and my lonelyness only increased.

When I was lonely and watching the Muppet Show by myself on Friday nights, I decided to start engaging with people. I did that through involvement with interest and outings groups. I made friends I still have to this day and met my spouse as we car pooled to a national outing. Even now I enjoy outings with local clubs. This Friday I will be leading a bicycle outing on the Heritage Trail in the National Lakeshore. I am pretty known in my community and I feel that if I lose my spouse, should I wish to continue living, I think that finding companionship will not be too hard for me. Yet, I would have a great deal of anxiety at that since my libido is declining and I feel a little shame about that.

I have never been attracted to someone emotionally unavailable but I can struggle with boundaries and also ..
It is much harder with trauma and deep illness and loneliness sometimes you just need some comfort and affection and to feel like you are worthwhile.
But I know some people are off limits and try to have boundaries.
It is hard I feel like I have to pay for being a attractive woman who may struggle to understand boundaries at times.
Hope ur spouse stays well.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

There is no cure for such loneliness, it only gets worse.
There is no fixing it, if there was, breaking up would be easy to people.
There is nothing you can do but accept it's how it is until you've had enough and move on.

If the person cared it would change, but you can't change others. My boyfriend always cares so much about my feelings and does things he finds extremely difficult for me. He is also interested in his own relationship needs and works on planning and engaging in various activities.

If somebody blames you for not enjoying the person 'incredibly,' they're unable to understand life.

Get your old friends to help you break it off if it's so dysbalanced. Don't trust new friends with anything important.

Surviving in that is not ideal, because it's not really survival, it's destruction and it becomes an addiction.

Narcissistic partners are very different from nurturing ones who involve themselves in their relationships, even beyond a perceived equality, but with sacrifice and unconditionality.

It is hard being sick and alone . my heart cries. =°°[
I want my old friends back because they are the only ones who care about my happiness but they are not everything I need and I get lonely.

 

[Judge]

Since adulthood, I have always had this nebulous sense of pragmatism, that would have likely precluded me from pursuing someone I perceived to be "unattainable". Ironically though, with one of the relationships I had with a woman long ago I might have perceived her as being utterly beyond my reach had I pursued her. However she pursued me.

I still recall the instance when her attention towards me made me feel like there was some other guy standing behind me that she was addressing....lol. But no, it was me. (She was quite attractive.)

And for a time I thought I was incredibly fortunate. Though eventually I came to the conclusion that she was what people sometimes referred to as a "functional alcoholic". In hindsight I suspect it was she who was fortunate to find me, and that I essentially took care of her young daughter as her mother tended to be what might be described as an "absentee parent". In time the relationship ended with me leaving.

 

[AprilR]

I have had this experience as well. I always feel attracted to people i have no chance with (mentally unstable, have psychological problems, are in another country etc) ıt might be a way to feel safe for me also, since it is less likely to happen, and there is no need to feel anxious bc i might hurt the person's feelings or get hurt myself.

 

[All-Rounder]

What causes emotional unavailability?​

Emotional unavailability is a defensive response often learned at a very early age or later in life. And that can happen for several different reasons:

• Witnessing an unhealthy relationship dynamic
• Developing insecure attachment style in childhood due to caregivers’ rejecting behavior
• Growing up in an environment where emotions were suppressed or seen as a sign of “weakness,” or they were acted out in an uncontrollable way.
• A history of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse
• Exposure to other traumatic experiences
• A fear of things not working out after being badly hurt in previous relationships
• A fear of intimacy or being abandoned after disclosing vulnerabilities
• Being in an environment where intimacy was seen as something inherently negative or shameful
• Some cultural and gender expectations: for example, the bias that talking about men’s problems and feelings is unmanly
• A need for some alone time after a breakup and before committing fully to someone new
• Being just not that into a person is also a possible cause

So, for some reason, people may start rejecting the natural drive for an intimate connection with others and themselves. These might cause them to shut down as a means of protection.


Emotional unavailability can be temporary or last for a long time — as a cycle of self-sabotaging behavior that one can learn to break with the help of a therapist.

13 signs someone is emotionally unavailable​

We’re attracted to a person by some of their traits, appearance, or the way they communicate… In closer communication, they may be alienated, avoiding, and unable to nurture intimate relationships.
Here are some signs to look for:

• You feel like you must always be perfect to keep them interested.
• You feel like you’re climbing Mt. Everest every time you try to get close to them.
• It’s you who do all the calling, texting, and planning.
• They don’t communicate consistently.
• They struggle with being affectionate.
• They become awkward when you get physically close.
• They change the subject or switch to the “light” or superficial topics when you start going deeper or discussing relationship dynamics.
• They don’t feel comfortable venting or giving you space to share your experiences.
• They’re not living fully in their feelings and emotions.
• They may lack empathy.
• They put off labeling your relationship as a relationship or initiating the next step.
• They become uncomfortable when you express your affection and care for them.
• They drop a relationship completely at the first sign of emotional intimacy.

Possible reasons you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people​

1. The harsh but highly likely truth: you also have a fear of intimacy​

2. You don’t think you deserve reciprocal love​

3. The tricky game of your psychological projections​

Where there’s not enough information, your mind seeks to complete the picture based on the details it already has.

4. You try to resolve the wounds of your childhood​

This defensive strategy is called repetition compulsion.

5. Love chase is exciting and addictive​

 

[soph21]

I think we do it to be safe

At least in my personal situation

If I fall deeply for a musician, for example, that way I can have some feelings of attraction without really engaging with them and that way I won't get hurt in the end.

It's a form of self-protection because of all my bad situations in the past (all of them my fault)

I think so, too! I also usually fall for people or even celebrities that are clearly out of reach and I think it's because I'm afraid of it becoming real. Every time I had had the chance to have a relæ relationship with a real person, I kinda ran away before it could get real.

 

[Aspychata]

I definitely feel safer with those emotionally unattainable. Their core wounds attract me as we are similar. But then as we both become healthier, l start withdrawal tactics. They usual are withdrawing too. My last one was very triggered by me, l stepped back. I realized l trigger them. The closer we got, the more they were triggered. I was always triggered by them. But l started the path to healing with them. They refuse to acknowledge they were healing. It's not my job to point out you are going thru a healing phase. I have my own complicated childhood to work thru.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

My parents are emotionally unstable and unavailable. Therein lies the template for most of my future friendships and relationships. Because that's what I think a relationship, love and affection is.

It's been a year and I'm still trying to get over my last relationship, and she was a mix of emotionally mature and unstable. Closest thing for me that came to love, and the amount of time, energy and self-worth I put into it was exhausting. I gave so much in that relationship that it feels like I left a piece of me with her, and so it continues to hurt.

Ed

Yes it makes u needy.
So therefore you look for love in other places.
And it can be hard do life especially for an autistic without affection and some intimacy and company

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Do you mean like getting to know a person already in a committed relationship, thinking to have an safe emotional connection but no physical element?

If so, yes I can see how that often would go sideways. One thing leads to another as they say.

I would think it best to avoid already attached people.

Finding another platonic type would make sense, but doesn't sound easy. Finding someone with limited/infrequent drive for intimacy might be easier to find.

Yeah it is difficult if you have limited options.
It just often feels nice to have some company and intimacy
The person who is unavailable may feel wrong romantically too, you just may need some attention and feel like it is the only option

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

There is no cure for such loneliness, it only gets worse.
There is no fixing it, if there was, breaking up would be easy to people.
There is nothing you can do but accept it's how it is until you've had enough and move on.

If the person cared it would change, but you can't change others. My boyfriend always cares so much about my feelings and does things he finds extremely difficult for me. He is also interested in his own relationship needs and works on planning and engaging in various activities.

If somebody blames you for not enjoying the person 'incredibly,' they're unable to understand life.

Get your old friends to help you break it off if it's so dysbalanced. Don't trust new friends with anything important.

Surviving in that is not ideal, because it's not really survival, it's destruction and it becomes an addiction.

Narcissistic partners are very different from nurturing ones who involve themselves in their relationships, even beyond a perceived equality, but with sacrifice and unconditionality.

Well yes....
I do not know if they understand at all but do not know where the old friends went who are what I need.
Yes well people are entitled to their feelings but yes feeling lonely and being intimate with someone does not equal love. And yes it does take maturity to understand it. But I guess it can still hurt if in a committed marriage but it is not like I am 'trying' to hurt people.
I am just desperate for attention, love and affection and intimacy.
I get so lonely I cannot stand it. It is unbearable
And narcissism is only something that hurts but hard to find ones who are not that especially as a giver.

 

[All-Rounder]

Well yes....
I do not know if they understand at all but do not know where the old friends went who are what I need.
Yes well people are entitled to their feelings but yes feeling lonely and being intimate with someone does not equal love. And yes it does take maturity to understand it. But I guess it can still hurt if in a committed marriage but it is not like I am 'trying' to hurt people.
I am just desperate for attention, love and affection and intimacy.
I get so lonely I cannot stand it. It is unbearable
And narcissism is only something that hurts but hard to find ones who are not that especially as a giver.

People have different needs and problems, and I have seen people who are willing to dominate their partner and talk as though they are superior if they have no needs for their partner, or lesser ones, or ones they aren't willing to acknowledge they have. It's quite complicated.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

People have different needs and problems, and I have seen people who are willing to dominate their partner and talk as though they are superior if they have no needs for their partner, or lesser ones, or ones they aren't willing to acknowledge they have. It's quite complicated.

I think it is ok to be different and autistics especially need space..
Relationships are challenging
I think it is nice as a women when someone generally cares and meets ur needs but also yes you may need your partner and you them
But it is better to be wanted in my opinion, I definitely need someone's help and guidance at times and people may need their partners but a relationship works better at times if neither person is overly needy and actually wants the person in their life at least at the beginning.
So needy relationships are problematic where if you actually want the person because you want to have something special and share a life together then it works better and you may need the person at various but not everyone likes being a dependent on their partner and the other person may not enjoy it either way esp at the beginning
Unless something happens and someone had to take care of the other after established relationship